If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
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[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
hmm conte-me mais
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered