crochet youtube is brutal
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[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
ouch
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.