the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
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My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Autocorrect completely socks
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Me too
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup