@AnitaHelmet: If at first you don't succeed, it's called 'Attempted' Murder.
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@bransonreese: My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
@Jaywoo74: Wife: You act like a child with that phone. Me: Child? I'm a grown ass man. Wife: Let me see your phone. Me: No. *snatches phone Me: MINE
@AlmightyBored: What's the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?