If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
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[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Mission: Impossible
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!