Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
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[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now