@LionJenkins: If at first you don't succeed, you're assembling furniture from IKEA.
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@Chyld: Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you'll have more available women in your family to date!
@thatUPSdude: Niece: Uncle I can't find my Girl Scout cookies? Me: (slow kicks empty boxes under couch) That's Weird.
@behindyourback: 11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
@GlennWool: when the news anchor says "if you know anything about the crime please contact police" dont call the police and re-tell the news story