My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
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When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
For the ones in the back.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
guys I’m going home
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.