Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 馃槝 You got this 馃挭
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
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She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don鈥檛 believe in God, I don鈥檛 think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I鈥檝e ever done
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don鈥檛 have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I鈥檓 still in my 40s.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Me: *getting off the couch*
I鈥檒l be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Who does Amazon think I am?
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Men don鈥檛 use the Internet. Don鈥檛 believe me women? Go check your man鈥檚 search history. Guarantee it鈥檚 empty.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what鈥檚 the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
every house is a dream house when you can鈥檛 afford one
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
You think you鈥檝e brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let鈥檚 throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You鈥檙e burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I鈥檓 standing.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.