My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
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me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*