[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
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Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER