If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
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If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE