@Juicedballs: If babies named Todd don't call themselves "The Toddler" then what's the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
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@jakob_huber: Hi, I'd like to order a baby "Excuse me?" It says here you deliver babies? "Sir this is a hospital" [vampire quickly hangs up phone]
@AnnaKendrick47: My life would be so much easier if it wasn't for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
@iwearaonesie: "Oh man, that thing looks irritated" - me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
@BlindChow: [hospital] Looks like ur Vine went viral. "Yay!" Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease. "So wait–my Vine didn't go viral?"