If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
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Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
moms in horror movies
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.