If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
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Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.