If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
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[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.