If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
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just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Just as the prophecy foretold
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
She puts the hot in psychotic
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.