If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
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Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”