therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
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Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
CUTE CAT‼︎
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.