If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
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17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Fights fire with marshmallows
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”