A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
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*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her