If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
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*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
describing stardew valley
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit