@neiltyson: If Bears ruled the world, I wonder if they would care whether or not the Humans they mauled were free-range.
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@SteveKoehler22: The pizza theorem: "Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut into triangles and put into square boxes" -Science
@lovemydogduck: Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I've already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
@Reverend_Scott: [hospital] "The results are in. I'm afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live." But does my hair look good?
@Vodkantots: My psychologist and psychiatrist don't agree on my diagnosis so yes, I get what it's like to have people fighting over me.