I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
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HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.