If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
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Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.