@TheBoydP: My wife says I'm addicted to generalizations but isn't everyone some kind of addict?

@TheBoydP: I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

@SortaBad: *Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror* *Feels confident* *"Hi I'd like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay"* *dammit*

@girlontapas: I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

@stephenjmolloy: Wife: I find him very patronising. Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her. Marriage counsellor: I don't normally take sides but you should leave him.