If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
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Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”