As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
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Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back