You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
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Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
My safe word is Worcestershire
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.