A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
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*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣