If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
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me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station