If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
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Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.