If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
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I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me