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I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
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Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁