I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
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At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.