How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
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“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened