[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
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An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”