Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
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[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
ok like just. call me at this point
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.