If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
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Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Friday night party time 🥳
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”