If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
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Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem