If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
You Might Also Like
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
God has abandoned us.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
so weird how every mom was born today
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Well, that should do it
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”