If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
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You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
me before I type out affect or effect
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Wise advice
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil