If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
You Might Also Like
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
not seeing the problem
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Coffee is ready.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross