My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
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Every Adele song is about lasagna.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.