@JesssieAshley: If by drinking responsibly you mean drinking out of a plastic cup rather than a glass one then you're damn right I am.
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@AnOrangeSNES: I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
@MatCro: Me: "Aw, your baby is cute. How old?" Woman: "Thanks, she's 34 weeks. Do you have the time?" Me: "Sure, it's 972 minutes past midnight."