I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
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Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too