I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
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Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.