If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
You Might Also Like
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”