Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
You Might Also Like
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.