“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
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*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
This has made my week.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Thrilling chase underway
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven