If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
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Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Happy Thanksgiving
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.