If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
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Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.