If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
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the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*