If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
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Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Jail
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.