“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
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Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
That’s easy for you to say
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?