According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
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A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
When you’re here for the treats.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks